"I am unseen, unheard, and unwanted."

“How do you live in a body that fights to survive and a mind that tries to die?”

Trapped in the misery of my life, lost in the sorrow of my soul, unable to see the light, unable to see the dawn, to feel, to hope, to dream. And I found the darkest days of my life kept coming. The blackest nights of my soul never stopped. It seemed like it was always nighttime and nightmares and never morning. It made me wonder why, but mostly you try not to think about it and try to get by and try to survive. And all the other stuff seems so much like nothing compared to wanting just the most important things back again.

What happens when those you need the most threaten your very existence?

This my past, my history, is not my fault. It’s not because of me. It doesn’t have to be what defines my future. I am lovable. I am worthy of care. And that glimmer of light, it makes all the difference. The glimmers of light give me hope that, someday, my summer will come.

Time to Ruin Christmas!

The Christmas Question: Full Documentary
  • Christmas came before Jesus. It’s sun worship.
  • The focus on lights is about the darkness of winter.
  • Red is the god Saturnalia’s color.
  • Green is for the pine tree and unique plants that stay alive during winter – it’s to worship those plants.
  • Mistletoe is a parasite that grows off trees, which “makes it magical” to the ancients. The Druids worshipped it and used it for fertility rituals. The berries actually represented the male genitalia with semen inside.
  • The pagans would practice what’s called “The World Upside-down.” During this period, teachers would follow orders from students, students would give them assignments. During this time, masters would serve their slaves at the table and slaves would give them orders.
  • They had “The Feast of Fools,” where they would take the fools and parade them around like they were kings.

This is The Secret: the notion that you can act like something is happening to make it happen.

  • Jesus was actually born around late September/ early October.
  • The “birth” of the sun was being celebrated by 200 A.D. So that concept came before Christmas.
  • Then there was an effort to unite the pagan religions with a holiday.
  • Heretics said Jesus was just a spirit, so Christians started emphasizing the birth with the nativity.
  • The Evergreen tree was celebrated for staying alive during the winter.
  • In Germany, they started bringing in the tree in the 1500s.
  • The true association of the Christmas tree comes from Germany, where they would conduct these “paradise plays” during the Christmas season, in which it was very popular to have the tree in the Garden of Eden. And they would represent the first sin, when Adam and Eve fell. The focal point of that play would be a pine tree – representing the tree of knowledge of good and evil.
  • Christmas ornaments originally were symbolizing the animal and human sacrifices hanging on the tree.
  • The Christian Reformation was “dead set against the cult of saints,” and especially the Catholic Church.
  • In England, no children got gifts – for centuries. There was no magical gift giver. But other countries came up with concepts, like the Christ child bringing gifts.
  • In really traditional areas, they would ban Christmas with signs like this:
  • Christmas turned into a New Years celebration of debauchery.
  • Christmas was once illegal in America.
  • Christmas was outlawed in England in the 1600s.
  • This became a problem to enforce because of the gangs – who liked to celebrate it and took it over.
  • So, they tried to appropriate Christmas for children and bring it inside – to make it more domestic. To do that, they brought back Saint Nicolas.
  • Santa Claus is a “bastardization” of Saint Nicolas and a representation of the pagan god Odin. Both rode a horse, and Odin was uniquely known for being old.
  • Odin was known for coming down on his eight-legged horse, and the people would leave their shoes out with treats in them for the horse. Odin, as a ‘thanks,’ would put treats in the shoes for them.
  • Christmas is a pagan ceremony, through and through.

Jesus gave us eternal life in Heaven, and we celebrate Christmas by pretending He didn’t. “It’s the most wonderful time of year,” to be in the flesh. And we exchange gifts of the flesh.

The celebration of Christmas is a big fuck you to God, where we give each other gifts of the flesh to “celebrate” the gift of the Holy Spirit from Jesus Christ. And we call it the Holiday Spirit. Not the Holy Spirit, the Holiday Spirit.

To make a mockery of God, you make us, created in His image, look stupid and weak. How can we not stand up for this distinction? The Holiday Spirit? What is that?

Children are encouraged to make long, greedy lists for Santa. Santa is the one who judges them as bad or good, who knows all. They get coal or gifts to reflect this judgment.

What Jesus did on the cross can’t intervene with this process, or it wouldn’t make any sense. So, it’s a day we pretend Jesus didn’t exist, or at least he didn’t die for our sins. Because believing in Him already means we’re forgiven.

So Jesus died for our sins and we celebrate by letting a magical fat man judge us. In other words, we celebrate by pretending there’s no God and no Jesus. Because we are lovers of pleasure, not lovers of the truth.

How do you curse God? In Job, God was challenged to find a person who would not curse Him. He found Job. Job went through so much suffering, he begged for death, but he did not curse God. Why not? Because he knew eternity waited for him, and he trusted God.

What does it mean to curse God? Well, in today’s terms, it’s like saying “fuck you” to God. In the Bible, Jesus told his disciples to dust off their shoes and leave if people wouldn’t listen to them. This is like saying “fuck you” in the Middle East, even today, and probably worse. It’s especially crude.

To curse is to forsake or renounce, reject. It’s a haughty form of ill will.

Are we really grateful for the sacrifice of Jesus if we ‘celebrate’ it by giving each other gifts?

Do we really honor Him by pretending Santa is real?

Do we really want Jesus to return if we’re looking forward to Christmas?

bending truth | how adults get indoctrinated

Wow. Minute 15 talks about my mom. All she does is try to indoctrinate me into her cult.

1. Insist they are unstable, depressed, nervous, overly critical.

2. Learn about their life, disappointments, and frustrations to validate this.

3. Waste their time.

4. Only relieve them (with your absence) when they agree with you on some level.

5. Come back for more chipping away at their self identity and will.

6. Induce trance states with meaningless activities.

7. Force them to declare the opposite of what they feel and think.

8. Goad them with insults and mocking to make them disconnect from provocation.

9. Establish the group as the only authority of the group.

10. Force them to repeatedly confront past traumas to nullify all reactions.

11. Exhaust them with discussion and interview questions until they stop having anything but superficial conversations with others.

12. “Freedom” is only for those who remain uncritical of the group.

13. Attack their reality with crazier stories and greater manipulations.

14. Use counseling sessions to exploit contradictions.

15. The Scapegoat is evil, even when she appears good.

16. The group is elite, and those who don’t get it are inferior.

17. Any protest or punishment for our behavior is persecution.

double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games

Narcissists are Zero Value Individuals. In fact, they are a burden, which is why they treat others like a burden – to misdirect. I value independent thought, personal growth, and reflection in relationships. I also value being able to relax and be my authentic self. My need for these things has always been dismissed by my cult family. Horribly, they add mind games to this.

Security begins to evaporate as you realize: one wrong step could do you serious damage.

double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games

Their only predictability is unpredictability.

All the narcissist actually wants is to make the target fail. Through repeated instances of failure, targets can end up in a state of learned helplessness.

My mom delights in putting me in no-win situations where I have to figure out the best way to please or survive her. My dad has spent his life appeasing, excusing, and enabling her. I spent my life dealing with her false accusations and paranoid delusions. She has unshakable conviction. She can’t be proven wrong. She just goes on to the next delusion if one loses merit.

I am also a victim of the same double bind in the video with the dying father. He is tortured for having any contact with me, and I am shamed for not having contact with him. We have never had a meaningful relationship, and I’ve always struggled with that. I’ve wondered for years if he’s just that simple, but now I know it’s my mom.

It makes sense. One time, when I was a teen living at home, I showed my dad something funny. We were just standing at the dinning room table (because we weren’t allowed to communicate in private), and he laughed. Next thing I knew, I heard my mom, standing behind us, say:

Why don’t you two just date?

I’ll never forget it. I looked back and she was just glaring at us. We both walked away in different directions. Fun over. That was my disturbing life. I didn’t know how to tell anyone about this. I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t know how to get help. I was stuck.

My dad would also try to check on me sometimes, if he got home from work before my mom. Suspiciously, he never beat her by more than 5 minutes. I now know she was stalking him to prevent us from having any relationship. He would just have time to stand in the doorway of my bedroom and ask how I was doing. I would just say, “okay,” or sarcastically, “How do you think I’m doing?” Everyone knew I was being abused. No one had the courage to help me. Once he heard her car, he would briskly walk to the kitchen to look like he was doing something else. A good, healthy mom would love to see us talking. Mine would have been set off.

My dad and I have never had a real relationship because of my mom. She is an extremely vindictive narcissist on a life-long revenge campaign against me for simply being a better person than her. How could I not? I can’t be as bad as her and live her nightmare. I would rather kill myself.

Here’s a public example of my mom’s double-bind arguments where denial means you’re guilty.

Win-win relationships are all I want from now on. They’re all I will tolerate, actually. No more family then! Parasites. Predators.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

2 Timothy 3

My mom loves seeing me suffer. LOVES IT. She has a lust for driving people to despair. Blood lust. When I first left home, she tried to get me cut off my dad’s health insurance. I still remember shaking after she threatened me with it. I was so scared.

Concealing Abuse: High-control groups and malignant individuals

Malignant individuals can ONLY lead high-control groups or relationships. Otherwise, they’d be held accountable. How do you think they became malignant? No accountability, dummy.

Malignant individuals are definitely going to Hell, but why do we let them hide in our groups? God didn’t make us cowards. He tells us NOT to be fearful and to be wise as serpants. Yet, so many are fooled by nonsense policies and principles. If they didn’t come from God, where did they come from? And why would we ever let them dominate us?

In high-control groups, the malignant individuals are beyond reproach. The believers must believe that they always mean well or “love you.” Non-believers are thrown out of the group.

concealing abuse

My mom actually sent me this video to report on my aunt’s membership in the Jehovah’s Witnesses to misdirect: use my aunt as a scapegoat. My mom sees herself as a hero for exposing them. She sends links to people and condemns them for the practice of “shunning.” She condemns both the group and my aunt for being a member. In other words, she is shunning them. As a member, my aunt is a hostage in the group – for fear of their shunning. Yet, my mom shuns her for being a member. This is a great way to tell my mom is lying. She has no care or concern for her sister or anyone else involved – duh.

Methods for Concealing Abuse:

My mom conceals her own abuse using every single method above. Her big misdirection is from the fact that she’s a malignant individual with her own high-control group: my family. My childhood was “hell on earth,” just like the cult survivor in the video described. I barely remember it. My family is a cult:

  • Denial of reality
  • Evidence is destroyed or hidden
  • Forced Confessions
  • No challenging or criticizing the leadership
  • Non-believers are condemned and demonized
  • Reluctant members are seen as evil
  • Scapegoating children
  • Shunning
  • Teach that it’s fine to deceive in certain circumstances
  • Testing loyalty
  • Thought crime
  • Unacceptable feelings: anger, disapproval, etc.
  • Values public image over the welfare of their members

Most of all: “Don’t tell anyone you were abused.”

I’ve always been the family scapegoat. I know this. They know this. I just never knew how evil it was.

You don’t need two witnesses to love the truth. I love the truth, and now I have the truth, so my family is shunning me. They’ve targeted me for inhumane treatment since I was born, starting with my mom. The rest of them were pressured into it, for fear of showing any loyalty to me, but now they enjoy it. It satisfies their desire to feel righteous in their superior role when I consent to this behavior.

It’s devastating to realize that your family hates and resents your existence. I’ve been alienated by my mom. She believes she can control my self-worth. She sees herself as god.

My mom forces her prey into hiding.

I have no social media because of her. I don’t even get to network on LinkedIn. She gets to tell people we have a relationship and I’ve gone “missing.” We’ve never had a relationship. She’s a MONSTER. Yet, she acts so nice. Harmless even. She’s sick. Disturbed. Malevolent. Evil.

My mom is a predator: all she cares about is getting away with her abuse.

Predators look for something that, in that moment – and it doesn’t even mean in a large scale – that the child needs something and steps in and offers it.

Jennifer Dritt, Executive Director, Florida Council Against Sexual Violence

My mom is OBSESSED with denigrating me. This always starts with her acting so kind and loving. But it always crosses boundaries, and she knows I can’t say anything or she will just make it worse. Contact with her is miserable. That’s the point. She is a living, breathing nightmare.

Love-bombing done by a predator is evil.

Lauren’s Kids – Intimate Crimes

I had all the signs of abuse growing up. My family knew, and many teachers knew. But no one stopped her. No one wanted to deal with her.

The Holy Spirit is literally in the air

I’ve been a guinea pig all my life. Now, I’m changing the books.

Wim Hof

When God created us, he breathed life into us. Air literally gave us life. The same is true today. Wim Hof teaches us this. His breathing method has been scientifically proven to fight off disease and illness that would otherwise be impossible. He shows us that the Holy Spirit, in the air, improves the functioning of our immune system. It makes sense. We breathe shallow in fear and negativity. We breathe deep in faith and peace.

Leave the mountain alone with your pathetic thoughts.

Wim Hof