double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games

Narcissists are Zero Value Individuals. In fact, they are a burden, which is why they treat others like a burden – to misdirect. I value independent thought, personal growth, and reflection in relationships. I also value being able to relax and be my authentic self. My need for these things has always been dismissed by my cult family. Horribly, they add mind games to this.

Security begins to evaporate as you realize: one wrong step could do you serious damage.

double binds | narcissistic ‘no-win’ mind games

Their only predictability is unpredictability.

All the narcissist actually wants is to make the target fail. Through repeated instances of failure, targets can end up in a state of learned helplessness.

My mom delights in putting me in no-win situations where I have to figure out the best way to please or survive her. My dad has spent his life appeasing, excusing, and enabling her. I spent my life dealing with her false accusations and paranoid delusions. She has unshakable conviction. She can’t be proven wrong. She just goes on to the next delusion if one loses merit.

I am also a victim of the same double bind in the video with the dying father. He is tortured for having any contact with me, and I am shamed for not having contact with him. We have never had a meaningful relationship, and I’ve always struggled with that. I’ve wondered for years if he’s just that simple, but now I know it’s my mom.

It makes sense. One time, when I was a teen living at home, I showed my dad something funny. We were just standing at the dinning room table (because we weren’t allowed to communicate in private), and he laughed. Next thing I knew, I heard my mom, standing behind us, say:

Why don’t you two just date?

I’ll never forget it. I looked back and she was just glaring at us. We both walked away in different directions. Fun over. That was my disturbing life. I didn’t know how to tell anyone about this. I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t know how to get help. I was stuck.

My dad would also try to check on me sometimes, if he got home from work before my mom. Suspiciously, he never beat her by more than 5 minutes. I now know she was stalking him to prevent us from having any relationship. He would just have time to stand in the doorway of my bedroom and ask how I was doing. I would just say, “okay,” or sarcastically, “How do you think I’m doing?” Everyone knew I was being abused. No one had the courage to help me. Once he heard her car, he would briskly walk to the kitchen to look like he was doing something else. A good, healthy mom would love to see us talking. Mine would have been set off.

My dad and I have never had a real relationship because of my mom. She is an extremely vindictive narcissist on a life-long revenge campaign against me for simply being a better person than her. How could I not? I can’t be as bad as her and live her nightmare. I would rather kill myself.

Here’s a public example of my mom’s double-bind arguments where denial means you’re guilty.

Win-win relationships are all I want from now on. They’re all I will tolerate, actually. No more family then! Parasites. Predators.

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

2 Timothy 3

My mom loves seeing me suffer. LOVES IT. She has a lust for driving people to despair. Blood lust. When I first left home, she tried to get me cut off my dad’s health insurance. I still remember shaking after she threatened me with it. I was so scared.

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